TV Reviews

The Proposal

There are very few tv shows that I think are truly awful. There are a lot of shows that fit that ‘so bad it’s good’ category, but this show is beyond bad. I’ll even go so far as to say The Proposal is in my top ten worse shows.

Created by the people behind The Bachelor – they took all the ick moments from The Bachelor and turned it up to 11.

The general concept sees two people get engaged in less than an hour. They will meet face to face for the first time about 5 minutes before they get engaged. Or in the more romantic language of the show, Two people are about to ‘trust fate’ and get engaged. *barf*

Our host, former Bachelor Jesse Palmer, is the epitome of slime. (Don’t tell anyone he’s Canadian…). He feels like a Chris Harrison knock-off but wayyyyyy worse. I really can’t stand him. It feels like they wanted to cast Arie, and got the next worse thing.

Jesse starts off the broadcast by informing the screaming crowd that, “History will be made! Love will be Found!” It’s very cheesey. But wait – Neil Lane is backstage ready with the perfect ring. Someone needs to tell Neil to be better than this. It’s not a great look.

https://giphy.com/embed/42BtSfGO0XqYIWxONN

After a quick commercial break we find out who our male suitor is – or rather we get to know them, but we don’t get to see them. Think the voice but with dating.

In this pilot, our man is Mike Crow – a 28-year-old police officer. The bio pack they’ve put together is awful. Instead of seeing him we see this creepy/weird/all-around-awful shimmering morph suit. So while we’re judging this, we find out that he lost his leg in a car accident. Which then makes us all feel awful. It’s ‘changed his outlook on life’ which of course it did. I’m not judging you Mike – but a cliche thing to say. He’s also looking for his best friend – again, cliche.

After this awful bio-pack, Slimeball-Jesse pronounces that the ‘soul-mate pageant’ will begin.

Yup. He said soul mate pageant. And it is everything you would want in your nightmares.

Each woman comes down the stairs in their cutest little dresses, not saying anything just smiling and waving like a crazy person.

The announcer’s information on them is again – cliche – and is beyond condescending.

So let’s just take a few minutes and judge these women who dream of love and a fabfitfun sponsorship.

  1. Jessica Turik – she’s 30. Works in medical sales. Is very cute. Apparently, she loves to party loves the Steelers, and white water rafting. Her parents got married at 19 – so that means she’s so old!
  2. Morgan Maxwell – is a brand ambassador. She’s 25. She’s a ‘Drama Queen” who loves the beach. Plus she’s the self-described “Jennifer Aniston of Long Island”.
  3. Havilah Malone – she’s an author and motivational speaker. She’s 35. She has a massive collection of dolls – which is very tragic and not something I would personally lead with – she’s not skinny or white. She’s already my top pick.
  4. Nicole Gillespie – she’s an olympic weightlifter.  She’s 27 and an exective assistant. She enjoys being blunt and doesn’t want people to judge her. I’ll be blunt. I judged her.
  5. Kelly Gray – she shows up in rollerskates… it’s like the costume at the first cocktail party. Tragic. She’s a licenced skydiver, likes pink, slothes and is a vegetarian. Wants someone a little bit crazy – probably because she’s a lot crazy.
  6. Stephanie Contreras – weight loss business owner. She’s 28 from Dallas. Loves following dreams – I really hope this isn’t one…
  7. Riona Booze – She’s a 29-year-old medical student from Georgia. She’s a flight attendant, she’s proud of her calves. She’s not scared… but I am.
  8. Kendal Maxwell – She’s a 30-year-old. Baton twirler – and apparently, sometimes the are on fire. Oh, and btw, she’s a neurophschologist.
  9. Alona Ballard – She’s a 41 year-old  life coach from Ohio. She dabbles in cheerleading and her worst fear is bad grammer. She’s sick of being aLONEah *groan*.
  10. Monica Villalobos – She’s 31.  Loves surfing – but afraid of the ocean. Loves her dog toby and bedazzling stuff. She’s a realtor from southern Cali. #everybachelorgirlever

It is all very cringy.

Jesse proceeds to tells Mike he needs to pick 7 that he wants to ‘get to know more’.

Well, guess what – picking 7 women is a lot hard than he thought. *Eye roll* – it won’t be that hard Mike… just pick all the skinny white girls.

His first three choices… the skinny white girls. Monica, Jessica, and Morgan. Then he adds in Riona, Nicole, Alona, and Kendal. Watching the first three women cut walk off stage isn’t nice. It feels very sad.

But don’t think about that too much because after the break we get to know these women better as they wear their ‘finest’ beach wear because “physical compatibility matters.”

Jessica exclaims that this is bananas. She’s not wrong. It’s totally messed up.

The fact that this show has a swimsuit round when Miss America is cutting their swimsuit round is so backwards. To claim you can only have love after you parade in your bathing suit in front of a man is beyond disgusting.

Jessica explains that her parents, brother, best friend are all witnessing this shitshow.  She’s wearing a little white thing with a sarong. Then this happens…

“Dad I’m sorry,” she says as she takes off her wrap to reveal her body, “I want to be vulnerable.” Hunny – you are vulnerable to all of us judging you so hard for this.

Morgan shows off her body as we find out she was dumped on new years. She battled depression and anxiety but don’t worry, she’s “clearly” over it – she just needed to love herself first. Morgan – you need more self-love if you think you can get love on this show…

Nicole tells us that strength is important to her and says she needs a man to support that or else she’ll squat you herself. She’s cut.

As Riona, parades around in her beachwear we find out she has never had a boyfriend and her grandfather offered to pay for her to freeze her eggs. If you are crazy enough to go on this show, that’s probably why you are single…

Kendal really wins this round, she talks about finding joy in being there for others. She just wants to be there for them you know.

Alona the life coach is “giving us life”. We find out that she’s lost a lot of weight and wants a future partner to be warm, caring, and a great friend – I’d keep her until the end – which is why she’ll get cut.

Finally, we get to see Monica, the hopeless romantic with body jewellery. She makes a ‘Mike – mic’ joke and says ‘Comments like this are why I’m single.’ She explains that she was in a car accident – but she wasn’t hurt – but, surprise, it gave her a new outlook on life. She starts crying. It’s all very emotionally manipulative and we know that Mike is going to fall for it.

At this stage, only four women will go through.

Mike makes a ridiculously condescending comment about women standing on national television in their bathing suit is the bravest thing he’s seen (even braver than the things he sees as a cop). It makes me want to hurl.

So once again, he pushes through the skinny white girls – Jessica, Monica, Morgan, and Kendal.

I feel very bad for the women who get cut in this round. They essentially get cut because they’re not hot and that’s awful.

The top four then get asked a bunch of question where “nothing is off limits – even sex…” *eyeroll*. Each woman will have 30 seconds to answer their ‘deal breaker question.”

Morgan is up first: “How do you feel about dating an amputee.”

She hesitates. She does not know how to answer this question. She comes up with a ‘correct’ answer, “the soul matters, not the physical appearance.” But I see you Morgan. You took a pause – you do not actually believe that.

Jessica then got asked about how she’ll handle Mike’s job as a police officer and the risks that it might have. It is phrased as a yes or no question and ends with “Are you comfortable with that” so she answers with “I am.” Then she stops because she answered the question. They were clearly looking for her to talk for 30 seconds and the silence is extremely awkward. So she babbles about her strong religious beliefs.

When Monica gets asked a question about past relationships, she almost starts crying. Monica is clearly emotional, but don’t worry… she learned how to be strong on her own.

Kendal gets asked how adventurous she’d be in the bedroom. She responds with a very PG answer because she doesn’t want it to come back and haunt her job. Guess what… being on this show will.

Mike now, once again needs to cut one. He cuts Morgan and Jesse tells her that there is “nothing to be ashamed of” – which basically is a backhanded, yes there is.

We get to meet Mike’s best friend Andrew who asks the girls question.

Andrew asks Jessica… who is your best friend and what role does she play? Well, guess what- Jessica’s best friend is HERE! So basically, her best friend is along for this crazy ride.

Monica gets asked… what’s your perfect Sunday morning?  Well, the perfect Cali girl that she is says it’s perfect for a hike because enjoys being outside and enjoys exercising.

Kendal gets asked about potential kids and if she sees herself as a future mother? Wel… she likes to travel etc, “I don’t want kids.”  The second that happened, we know she’s going to get cut.

So guess who Mike can see himself prosing to…

Monica and Jessica. Bye Kendal. According to Jesse, she will “make someone very happy one day.”

Finally it’s time to meet Mike! We open the pod! I feel like screaming Move That Bus! It’s all very fancy.

Mike is fine – the audience likes him. He starts talking about how he got to meet two beautifully stunning women and that he’s #blessed.

The girls then get a chance to say whatever they want to Mike – face to face – before he proposes to them after knowing each other for five minutes.

Jessica talks about being a traditional woman and gets permission from her dad. What she then says feels like wedding vows. It’s all very *emotional* and then she says “let’s do the damn thing,” and I want to hurl my TV.

Monica talks about how she has a great life – but has one thing missing… Mike. As she starts BAWLING. She wants to settle down with someone who really cares.

Now it is the moment of truth.

The girls hug, because after competing against each other for a man they are all #bestfriends

He grabs… Monica.

Watch it go down but keep your eye on Jessica’s face.

So after all that drama… Will I watch this show again?

Absolutely not.

Apparently, Monica and Mike are still together. Do I believe this?

Absolutely not.

1 thought on “The Proposal”

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