BRING ON THE MEN!
Everyone is excited.
I’m excited. My friends are excited. Ellen’s Staff is excited…
Below is my in-depth, highly scientific analysis of the men of the bachelorette 2018 edition…
Meet the Men
29, Seattle, WA
Sr. Corporate Banker
He has a secret handshake. Cute. You are wonderful. He gets a rose.
28, Naples, FL
He legitimately died. He got a rose.
27, Sanford, FL
So another final rose girl. But he’s not here for the ‘right reasons’. Chris and Chase are going to have a little showdown, they bring in Becca. Turns out he’s ‘not that guy’.
Guess what – he doesn’t get a rose. “Big” surprise.
25, St. Petersburg, FL
He’s so cute. Great style etc. But no bio pack. He’s the first to go down on one knee. He’s also 25…is he ready for this? Another do the damn thing reference. He’s the last in limo 1.
He grabs her first. He sword cuts champagne. He’s confident. It’s very attractive. He’s so young though… I don’t know.
He gets a rose. I might put him on my fantasy pool team.
31, Pensacola, FL
So we’re really into fragrances. I feel like he would smell like a Sephora. He teaches her french – ‘Let’s do the damn thing’. His French is not great.
Gives her an engraved candle. He gets a rose.
26, Los Angeles, CA
Account Sales Executive
30, Chicago, IL
Pro Football Player
So Clay is athletic. We’re doing his bio first. This means he’s going to be here for a while. They bring out his grandmother and family – if we are already meeting the family another good sign. My roommate thinks his face is crooked, I think he’s kind of cute 🙂
She’d be the biggest catch of his life. Cheesy. The roomie also thinks he’s going to fall real hard real fast.
He brings her out during the party to play with clay. Cheesy. But the conversation here is really good. I’m into it. I would be there. I think he has lots of potential.
He gets a rose. Another one for the fantasy pool 10/10.
27, Danville, CA
No bio pack. He has a lot of ‘respect’ for her. So boring. But cute…
He doesn’t get a rose. That’s sad.
28, San Francisco, CA
Cute – he’s very nerdy. Very awkward but I hope he sticks around for a bit.
He gets a rose.
25, Denver, CO
beCCA. Not here to ruffle feathers and build an egg-cellent relationship. The chicken is fucking lame. But he makes Jordan mad so I’m into it.
He is also young. I like how he is trying to be fun… but cut out the puns.
He got a rose. He’s on the team.
26, Crystal River, FL
So this guy is full of himself. “The power is in the brows” – you are too much. It’s “taxing” to listen to you talk. Jordan might be the villain.
He gets out of the limo and takes a moment to get himself ready. He wanted her to hear his shoes. He’s very superficial. Shut up about the clothing.
He just has an A+ shitty attitude. So he gets a rose.
In the season preview – he looks like great TV.
28, San Diego, CA
He tried. The dancing was a cute idea. He made zero mark. So no rose.
29, Reno, NV
Medical Sales Rep
K – so his photo is great. 10/10 exactly my type. However… his bio pack is awful. I have no idea who the genuine Garrett is.
He shows up in a minivan. Great call. Being a good dad and husband with his minivan. Smooth move buddy.
He’s taking her fishing. He reminds her of home… she’s in love with him.
I would argue that I am also very into this outdoorsman.
He got the first impression rose. Solid choice Becca…. until we found out that he has a bit of a shitty social media history. Whatever… he’s on my team.
30, Monroe, NY
Social Media Participant
Wants to meet her half way. 60/40. He’s cut.
No rose. Obviously.
26, Denver, CO
Former Pro Football Player
He was born on Super Bowl Sunday. Had an injury, left football. He’s got a cute cousin with CP – so he started a charity. Plus he has a dog. He’s freaking cute. He’s the first out of the limo. He’s getting it poppin. Starting it off with a bang. That’s a way to make an entrance.
He’s so cute – Becca is swooning. He gets a rose. I’d put him on my team this year.
31, Chicago, IL
Grocery Store Owner
So Joe might be the best in the first wave. “The only first I haven’t produced yet is love” – he’s so cute. His voice is just so addictive.
I just love him. He’s so awkward but I think he’s great. He’d marry her!
They look like they have such a connection. I’m very into this.
He doesn’t get a rose. This is her BIGGEST mistake. But Joe… call me 🙂
31, Atlanta, GA
31, Los Angeles, CA
Former Harlem Globetrotter
1- why is your background colour different? I have a lot of questions for the casting team. Someone totally dropped out and this guy is your replacement… that must have been DRAMA for your team.
2 – He’s cute.
3 – They are playing basketball and doing all the Harlem Globetrotter tricks. All the guys come out to see it and then they all play basketball.
4 – He gets a rose.
28, Bailey, CO
29, Minneapolis, MN
She KNOWS him! What a small world… Casting team did this on purpose.
She’s kicking him out – that’s bullshit. I’m not into this. This is very bad logic. However… as telling him to get out, he’s not looking great. He does not come across well. He’s angry and it’s giving the bachelor team an opportunity to do some editing.
29, Los Angeles, CA
He’s a closet nerd. Sure sure bud. BUT THEN – he whips out his harry potter tattoo and that makes me very happy.
He gets a rose.
26, Sherman Oaks, CA
Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
27, Orlando, FL
Shows up in a race-car outfit. He’s normally good at opening statements – but buddy. This is shit. He gets a rose. He’ll get cut soon tho.
30, Orlando, FL
He brought friends to help to win her family over – aka a lovely little gospel choir. Now they are dancing – it’s way too cheesy but I’m slightly into it.
He tells her the story about his grandparents, he holds her hand. I’m into it.
He gets a rose. I think he’ll go midway and then get cut on a two-on-one.
27, San Diego, CA
27, Cincinnati, OH
31, Studio City, CA
Just let our hair down. I’m not into it. He gets a rose. I think he’ll get cut soon.
26, Manhattan Beach, CA
The final After the Last Rose guy – I really like Ryan. He’s cute.
He gets a rose. I think he’s a dark horse.
Don’t like my opinions… listen to Jimmy’s:
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